


I Wished To See The End That Never Came

by beautyinthesmallestthings



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: Life Experience, Love Poems, Poetry, Queer Themes, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Short, Short Stories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25630837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautyinthesmallestthings/pseuds/beautyinthesmallestthings
Summary: Short stories and poems about myself, sexuality, my estranged relationship with God, death, friendship, love, and my simple wish to make it through the darkest days.





	1. Prayers to Departure

Time passed so quickly that I'm unable  
to remember if I have accepted  
that you are leaving.  
Or maybe it's so simple that I just  
haven't.  
In that case, pray for my God-  
estranged soul that I may soon.

31/7/20  
-Noula


	2. Spit Me Out And Left Me Reveling

Those steps, I cant look at them without  
remembering you.  
Bag on and fear in your eyes,  
God forbid I hate you,  
but we should know that God already left us,  
so how could He forbid anything.  
I don't hate you. I don't.  
I could never babe, and maybe that's my  
greatest weakness.  
Now we don't speak of it,  
Never did.  
Hiding was too much, but we still,  
we still hid everything,  
beginning to the end.

1/8/20  
-Noula


	3. Glitter on the Hardwood Floor

The week we left it all on those stairs,  
it broke.  
Knocked off my bedside table,   
glass shattering,   
the water and glitter spilt all over floor.  
The flood of the water much alike my eyes.  
I swept it all up, never so mentioned it,   
and what's left sits on the table,   
plain,  
no longer able to create a   
perfect snow storm under water.  
Symbolic.  
Some of it is still stuck to   
the cherry hardwood.

2/8/20  
-Noula


	4. Knit Me a Home in Your Heart

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain  
on my roof.   
I welcomed it with my whole heart,  
and thought of you.  
You wrote in one of your letters that you love  
the sound of rain  
on your roof.  
That you lay there to just listen to it fall,  
each droplet making its home,  
knitting into a quilt of condensation  
on everything exposed.  
I take comfort in knowing you laid within  
a mile to me,  
hearing the same blanket after sheet of   
heavenly teardrops on the roof and trees.  
It's just as close as we can be.

4/8/20  
-Noula


	5. Never Held by His Hands

Where I lay is scarcely touched by   
His spiritual hand.  
Maybe He retreated when I rejected those  
ideas I was taught in  
His name.  
Maybe He fiddles with my fate with   
His ghostly hands,  
breaking my strings, or playing me like a puppet.  
Or perhaps He simply left me  
on that living room couch,  
as I ruined it all.  
Sided with my mother,  
as she stated I don't know who I am, that   
I was too young  
Maybe I am.  
But as I tried to reach up,  
He just let me fall.  
Maybe the devil just called my name.

7/8/20  
-Noula


	6. Life Portrayed Through a Harry Styles Song

I've never been honest in church confessionals,  
but I was even less honest with you,  
and you were even lesser than me.  
The only thing you knew to do was to  
get drunk in your basement,  
conceal your feelings,  
and metaphorically drown in shallow water.  
The only thing I knew to do was to  
wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.  
And the only think we knew to do was to  
walk to and from bus stops,  
hold hands between the seats.  
To ignore our minds,  
and hardly kiss to tell.

Maybe it's because you're scared,  
but darling,  
I was so open.  
Golden, as Harry Styles would say.  
Maybe one day you can be golden too.

13/8/20  
-Noula


	7. My Old Darling

My old darling,  
I can't seem to get my words out anymore.  
I'm left with the heart bound beggars,  
and thieves of love.

I found myself staring at the steeple  
across the street,  
refraining from crying and  
begging on my knees.

Maybe someone will find me before I sleep,  
murmur goodbye against my cheek  
as hot tears run down my face.  
Maybe it will be you, my old darling.

9/9/20  
\- Noula


	8. Cold In This Rising Town

It's cold outside.   
Night comes earlier than dessert,  
and with the darkness comes my fear. 

It's been a year, maybe a little less or more,  
and i'm still stuck in the blue room  
still in this rising town. 

You are too, so are they.   
Life didn't turn the way I thought,  
instead we dwell on the future, of a different universe. 

I wish to escape this place.   
All I wish is to run far away,   
across an ocean, a town. 

8/12/20  
-Noula


	9. White Dress, Baby's Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> j'espère que nous essayons avant que tu aies eu trois enfants, et j'ai eu deux femmes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many questions for her.

She's so beautiful.  
She's dating that girl,  
I've never met her.   
She says they're having problems. 

God has always been ruthless,  
there's no redemption for the sinners.   
She feels like the one,  
I might marry her one day.   
But not now.   
Not now.   
That's sick, and she's committed.   
She's going to college in Europe,   
I'm going up north. 

She said she wished our timing was right.   
I want to ask if it'll ever be.   
I have so many questions.   
Please, let it be.   
White dress, yellow flowers.   
White dress, baby's breath.   
In the mountains of Virginia,  
where we first met. 

16/1/21  
\- Noula


End file.
